sparrowhawk1161's Blog

Why am I here?

Why am I here...?  Why am I writing stuff down to just getr abused by people who do not know who I am... pisse4sd me off.  People don't know me... they just comment like they nbever knew I existed...and it HURTS!  Horribly.  Everytime I come to this site, It's like walking on shards of glass.  I have no idea if I am going to get cut and hurt.  THe last time this happened some A*shole told my post was pathetic.  Pathetic?  Who in the hell can tell me my post is patheltic when they have never known me... my problems... or even studied my profile or my writings... I outwhited him... instead of reporting him... because, even though I can report them... it's not fair for the person to be thrown off the site becasue they might need help.  It's EXPERIENCE project... meaning it's there fior a reason... to help those in need... even if they piss me off.  Yet, here it goes again... studying her profile... I looked at it and found out that there are things we have in common.  I would gladly apologize... for, if that woul;d helop I would... but what am I apologizing for... criptic words I do not understand. A bad temper that would deprade me further?  I can't stand it.  I really try on this site and get kicked in the teeth by posters who don't even know me and don't even care who I am... and my sensativity.  Why am I here? 

If I keep getting lonelier...

If I just keep getting any lonelier... I don't know... if I get any lonelier I think I will dissolve into nothing... which would be interesting because being nothing would be different.  If it is different than anything I experienced before... it must be something?  Right?  Right!

Yet, dissolving into nothing doesn't solve anything and getting into a substantial relationship would definitely be better than dissolving.  Yet, the baggage I carry around is quite hefty.  In fact I am still trying to claim it on the airport carousel of life.  Is it fair to allow someone else to carry the baggage too?  Yet, I know that no one claims no baggage... so she has it... and I know that and if she was traveling so lightly... I would be very suspicious of her.

Woman are a curious bread.  They are complex... yet, inviting.  And, those things put together create an irrisistable combination to explore.  I like that.  If you find something worth while you just can't stumble on all the the rotten fruit.  It's like judging a tree because you find rotten apples on the ground, when looking upwards, you will find a spectacular beatiful tree shining in the morning sun.

Yet, being like that, so caring, throws me into boyfriend material and that makes me a TOTAL MONSTER!  Women run away from that type of person... I have seen it with my own eyes.  Plus, money and stability outweigh affection and compation... especially with emotional instability and extremely low income.  Even having the nurturing and compassion that creates good fatherhood is outwayed by money and the illusion of emotional stability for NO ONE on earth is THAT STABLE.

Yet, it doesn't matter.  I tried so hard in my marriage and got burned.  Satisfying loneliness only creates uncertainty.  For there is no garauntee that your efforts will pay off in the end, anyways.  Just her finding one tiny little rotten apple in my tree and I will be passed by.  What makes it worse... I believe she deserves to have everything up front.  I will not hide bad apples.  She doesn't deserve it... for doing so will hurt her even more.  SO, it appears to be a "fruitless" effort to get involved again.  And, even though that makes me just alive... and not living a life appears to be much more stable and safe than taking any risks.  I took them before... got lucky... and it was became destroyed.  AND, being lucky again is like finding a needle in a heystack.

So, how do I calm down my aching heart?  Reasoning it out doesn't do SQUAT.  The constant anxiety of doing it all again will burn me out before I even get started.  I will not win.  And, finding a local monestary to join is very difficult!  You just can't check into one like you could in the historical past.  Becoming a monk like getting a job!  You need a resume and an interview!


You just can't win!

It's clean!

My place is clean.

The "bug man" comith:

First, he kills bugs!

Second, He bugs me!

(He is called the exterminator.  Housekeeping inspections are done at that time... with public housing, here... which means... your place has to be clean...OR ELSE!"

I don't like strangers coming into my place.  My place is my place.  It is set up as my place and I know where everything is.  Even all the stuff on the floor, never picked up, I know it's there... So, I can find it.  Makes perfect sense to me.

Some people might say my place is the perfect male habitat, lived in, but not ready for serious human habitation.  That is because all the junk lying around is in it's place... even on the floor or on top of a chair... or a disorganized closet.

NOW, if I try to put stuff away, will I remember where I put it?  NO!  I will not remember where I put it, because it is not in the proper place, like on the floor... WHERE IT SHOULD BE!  (It is no longer in the proper male perspective... and males get confused, because they remember the floor, not the closet and they go hunting for something that should be on the floor and not closet...)  So guys get confused.  YOu leave something where you left it.  And, where you normally left it all the time.  You try to put it somewhere else, they go back to where they know it should be... the confortable place.  THE FLOOR!

Why can't people see this?  Why can't people understand that the last place you put it is where it is...and, creating a place out of desperation... like the bugman... creates a false sense of reality... which means... it should be where you want it... on the floor!

OK!  Yes, if it's a pizza that has been on the coffee table for a week, gathering mold, and smelling like the dumpster outside, yes, it is thrown out.  Even guys can figure that out.  We are good at looking at things that are gross and getting rid of them.

Yes, a decaying pizza, however enticing to study as some biology experiement, can definitely be a souce of fascination to us... we at least will put it in the garage.  The garage is are home away from home.  Here we can marvel at our cars and tools and that interesting pizza that seems to be food to a mirad of interesting organisms.  We could have given it to the neighbor, but it is much more interesting is we just let it sit and see all the cool colors of all the mold and bacteria forming around it...

Until, you tell us to get rid of that aweful thing!  Then, with heavy heart rooted into scientific study, we obey and through it in the trash...  and, are cool science experiment is gone!

Gross and gone.  It means when we are on are own... we see gross and we throw it out.  We might study it enough to create a science paper, but it will go in the garbage...

So, bug man?  IF you get on my case about my apartment... and stir up the landlords...  There is only one thing to do.,

I will use my giant inflatible "Cockrouch," and create fangs on it and cover those fangs with dripping Cayo suryp so that when you come in the door, you will be greated by your own worst nightmare.  A cockroach from hell.

Now, since I get nightmares of you... you get nightmares of my place.... only fair

DO not do this!

When composing a story, do not try to save it as a draft when you try to compose it on site.  I must pick "draft" first.  So, unless I want to lose everything I wrote when I find myself interupted, do not pick "compose" and write verbatum.  Either, start writing it as a draft or paste it from my word processor...

I tried putting down a story...

I tried putting down a story about my loneliness, my wonderings about seeking another relationship after devorce after 13 years.  I pressed "backspace" to clear a typing error and...

It's all gone.  Well, that settles it!  I guess my loneliness is not that important to even save a "draft." I guess I really, really never wanted that anyways. I always figured that living the rest of my life without really living was best.

I guess I was right.

Now, watch!  I will try to post this and it won't go through.  I won't be surprised...

1-5 of 5 Blogs   

Previous Posts
Why am I here?, posted November 25th, 2012
If I keep getting lonelier..., posted November 19th, 2012
It's clean!, posted October 17th, 2012
DO not do this!, posted October 9th, 2012
I tried putting down a story..., posted October 5th, 2012

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