If I keep getting lonelier... | sparrowhawk1161's Blog

If I just keep getting any lonelier... I don't know... if I get any lonelier I think I will dissolve into nothing... which would be interesting because being nothing would be different.  If it is different than anything I experienced before... it must be something?  Right?  Right!

Yet, dissolving into nothing doesn't solve anything and getting into a substantial relationship would definitely be better than dissolving.  Yet, the baggage I carry around is quite hefty.  In fact I am still trying to claim it on the airport carousel of life.  Is it fair to allow someone else to carry the baggage too?  Yet, I know that no one claims no baggage... so she has it... and I know that and if she was traveling so lightly... I would be very suspicious of her.

Woman are a curious bread.  They are complex... yet, inviting.  And, those things put together create an irrisistable combination to explore.  I like that.  If you find something worth while you just can't stumble on all the the rotten fruit.  It's like judging a tree because you find rotten apples on the ground, when looking upwards, you will find a spectacular beatiful tree shining in the morning sun.

Yet, being like that, so caring, throws me into boyfriend material and that makes me a TOTAL MONSTER!  Women run away from that type of person... I have seen it with my own eyes.  Plus, money and stability outweigh affection and compation... especially with emotional instability and extremely low income.  Even having the nurturing and compassion that creates good fatherhood is outwayed by money and the illusion of emotional stability for NO ONE on earth is THAT STABLE.

Yet, it doesn't matter.  I tried so hard in my marriage and got burned.  Satisfying loneliness only creates uncertainty.  For there is no garauntee that your efforts will pay off in the end, anyways.  Just her finding one tiny little rotten apple in my tree and I will be passed by.  What makes it worse... I believe she deserves to have everything up front.  I will not hide bad apples.  She doesn't deserve it... for doing so will hurt her even more.  SO, it appears to be a "fruitless" effort to get involved again.  And, even though that makes me just alive... and not living a life appears to be much more stable and safe than taking any risks.  I took them before... got lucky... and it was became destroyed.  AND, being lucky again is like finding a needle in a heystack.

So, how do I calm down my aching heart?  Reasoning it out doesn't do SQUAT.  The constant anxiety of doing it all again will burn me out before I even get started.  I will not win.  And, finding a local monestary to join is very difficult!  You just can't check into one like you could in the historical past.  Becoming a monk like getting a job!  You need a resume and an interview!


You just can't win!

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Previous Posts
Why am I here?, posted November 25th, 2012
If I keep getting lonelier..., posted November 19th, 2012
It's clean!, posted October 17th, 2012
DO not do this!, posted October 9th, 2012
I tried putting down a story..., posted October 5th, 2012

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